Life in the Pit

As I stated I am not sure how I arrived into this dark place I just knew that I was there.  Often I wonder if maybe I am to blame for being there, but I found out it was doing me no good to dwell on the how dids and the what ifs of life.  I am not interested in getting all defensive either and telling folks not to judge me.  Frankly it does not matter what folks say about you if their intention is not to help you.  What I do know is that I did not intentionally toss myself into this pit. If I was at fault for being there, is was more an error of the heart and not the head. No one with a sound mind would ask to be placed in a dark, lonely, scary place.

And yes, life in the pit is just that.  It is a form of prison but with no warden or guards to watch for your welfare.  You are trapped in your mind and it may take you a few days, weeks, months, years.... to finally understand your real dilemna. I realized I was in the pit after several failed attempts to be my usual self. I had lost all interests in the things that use to matter. I use to enjoy praying and studying my bible but even that became a sad thing to do. Some days I made great process and I thought I would succeed until I would grasp for something that was not there and come crashing back to the bottom of the pit.  Life in the pit is not easy and not easy to explain.  At one point I was afraid to pray..literally. Why? Because each time I prayed I became so sad all I did was cry.  I would cry and could not pinpoint the reason why. At first I though I was just into a form of worship.. (who knows maybe I did) and I felt like Jeremiah, the weeping prophet, but after a while I did not enjoy just crying all the time and I allowed that fear to push praying further and further away. And what was a pleasant pasttime became a hugh mountain because I prayed because I needed to not because I wanted to. Reading my bible would have a very negative effect on my thought life.  Everything I read pointed to how far I was from God and the more I read it was the deeper I sank.

Life in the pit is a daily struggle and before long weariness started to set in.  On those days I felt like David when he wrote in the Psalms, "Fear and trembling overwhelm me. I can't stop shaking. Oh, how I wish I had wings like a dove; then I would fly away and rest! " Psalm 55:6-7.